She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I had to cum in my sink.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize