Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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