Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
