Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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