census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
