best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
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