Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
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