masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
