I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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