I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
