my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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