Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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