new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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