I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
