My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
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