just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
