he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
