why im i the only drunk person in the library?
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
