The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
