I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
jump out the window naked night went bad
Randomize
