I'm lost and stupid without you.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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