I hate all girls vehemently.
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
