It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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