i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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