woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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