I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Randomize
