Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
