yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Randomize
