I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
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