he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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