someone threw a dead crab at me
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Randomize
