I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
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