he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
