A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
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