I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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