Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
