38 yer olds are good kisserssss
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Randomize
