Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
I've blown a few things in my day
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Randomize