I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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