I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
