new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
