You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
she told me i tasted like america
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
