I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Randomize
