I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
