Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
We're too hungover to prance.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
