youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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