The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I will pee on everything he values.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
