hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
All I want is dick and wine.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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