And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
