Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
