yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize