She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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