ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
