There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
