I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
My ATM looks so different sober.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
