I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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