I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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