Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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