God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
