I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Randomize
