i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
you traded sex for a burrito?
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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