I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
